Sometimes Remembering Hurts.

Dear Keith.

I'm angry with you. I just want to tell you I miss you.  I wish you were here.  I hate the gaping hole in my chest that you left.  I hate that when I drive down the street, I see you.  I see you in the teenagers running from school.  I see you when I look at young boys with their baseball caps and their nice clothes.  I see you everywhere.  For a flutter of a second, my breath will catch and I'll fight the urge to look back, reminding myself "he's not here".  I hate that losing you was the best thing you ever taught me.

Do you remember the last time I saw you? We stayed up all night. You made me PROMISE you that I'd never EVER smoke weed. You told me, "you'll never let it go. You'll never get out of it.  Don't do it.  Promise me you won't do it Chubby." and I promised. I'm proud to say that I've stayed away from it.  And every time it is ever brought across my path, I think of you and the promise I made.  That night, you told me how beautiful I was.  You told me that you'd beat any boy who treated me wrong, and you told me that my insides were the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.  You told me "you are the best of them".  Every once in a while Goose still tells me that and I always think of you.  We talked about everything you ever regretted.  We talked of the ambitions you wished you had followed, and how Goose was your ultimate best friend.  I think Goose would just smile if he heard all the stories you told me that night.

You tucked me in and you told me that you loved me.  I remember you kissed my forehead and hugged me so tight.  And then the next morning, when you were going back to Texas, you hugged me and you said, "Remember what you promised me. You're beautiful. I love you and I'll see you at Christmas." Those were the last words I ever heard you say.  You never came home for Christmas.  Everything after that is blurred together.  If I try really hard I can remember details, but I don't like to.  I don't like to think of how angry it makes me.  And I hate to cry.  You boys always told us girls to not cry, "keep yo' chin up". I try really hard to do just that.

We found this video of you boys playing basketball.  I watch it in fascination that you actually moved, laughed, and talked.  Sometimes I think you are a fragment of my imagination.  I had forgotten how your voice sounded.  It was nice to hear it.  It was beautiful to watch you just.. be.  I miss you. It seems so elementary, yet it's so complex... But I wish you were here.

She's at it again.

I hate that feeling in the pit of your gut, when you know you've changed; not by choice, but because that's what you have to do to be strong.  People come into your life to shape you into the person you were meant to be.  It's up to you to be wise enough to choose which ones are lessons and which ones are yours to keep.    Unfortunately I'm blinded by people.  I choose to see the best in people, despite the background or the outcome.  I'm a fighter&i am an aggressor.  If you know me, you'll understand this to a tee.  At times I view this as a quality or a strength, but at times I think it's my greatest weakness. 

When I was a child, I was a girl. And I mean a ggiiiiirrrrrlll.  I'd cry at the sight of blood.  I was constantly tattling on my siblings.  I was the sweetest little cutie, with an angel face to boot.  I don't know what changed in me, but something was broken.  I used to cry myself to sleep, cry in movies, cry when I was sad, cry cry cry.  It was OKAY to cry.

I don't do that anymore, cry, ya know? I can't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep, or actually allowed myself to cry.  Not just teary eyed, but the crying from the inside out, painful tears. There is something therapeutic about it all.  Releasing all the toxins in your body and soul, escaping the clutches of your own sorrow... I can't do it.  I wish I could.  I'm probably the most awkward human being when the tears flow.  I'd rather somebody scream and threaten me with my own life than watch somebody cry.  It's okay to me that you might cry on your own, I think it's good.  But I have a hard time being around it, and I don't think it's acceptable for me to do so.  I think when people cry, they're most vulnerable.  There is a childlike image that arises, and I believe tears are seeking comfort.  I hate crying, I hate being vulnerable, and I hate comfort (unless it's from my mommy). I absolutely LOVE when people open up to me.  I love when I can be the one graced with their stories.  But for me, I hate telling people my story.  I hate going through the ick of my life and placing it upon someone else's shoulders (as if their own problems aren't enough).  And anyways, when going through my ick, it can bring those stupid symptoms of tears and a runny nose.  Who wants that?!

Disappointment cuts deeper than a knife.  For me, it's the worst emotion to feel.  No matter the cause, I'm normally mad at myself for allowing me to be disappointed.  As if believing in someone is taboo.  Disappointment is my ultimate hurt.  As the saying goes, sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.  

My mom always said, treat people the way you wish to be treated.  We all strive at this and it is a challenge everyday. But really, treat people with kindness.  Use your words for good.  Your actions will forever echo amongst those whose lives you have entered.  Do not judge others, the mere fact of passing judgement makes you the lesser, no matter the situation.  Don't whisper. If you have something to say, say it.  And make sure it's to the person you are speaking of.  I think we all know the pain of stinging words and actions, it's not fun.  Many of us get caught up within ourselves that we forget others.  Don't forget there is someone always watching and when we become reckless to that, our actions hurt others.  

I love this song, holding out for a hero by Ella Mae Bowen.  It just takes the words from my heart.  I want a streetwise Hercules to sweep me off my feet.  Enjoy.

Quality People.

Guys, I feel so warm&fuzzy inside.  I just wanna spread the love, ya know?

Lately I've been able to hang around with some really great people.  And I have thoroughly enjoyed myself.  In the past 3 weeks I have gone country dancing, bowling, I've been introduced to the lovely Cafe West, I've learned how to play Nertz, and my nights have been filled with pool, ping pong, and chillin on the couch.

This group of friends I've been introduced to.... man they are something else.  For the first time in a looooooong time, it's easiest for me to just be ME.  These people are just quality people.  And I sure like it. I love that I can try my best and my actions aren't interpreted as 'stingy' or 'stuck up' or 'too good for you' attitude.  I love how accepted I feel amongst strangers.  I've seriously known the majority of the 'group' like... hmm 3 weeks.  Tay and Rik I've known for years, and I love them dearly.

I know this won't mean a lot to most, but for me... Man I just feel good inside.

I'd like to encourage anyone&everyone to surround themselves with quality people.  People who boost your self-esteem, encourage you, and speak kind words to you.  People who genuinely appreciate you for YOU.

Ladies and gents, I feel like I just won the jackpot.  Boo ya!

Goooooooooodniiiiiggghtt!!!! :)

WeekEND.

As you all know, Turkey day is around the corner.   I love the holidays.  After Thanksgiving, it's Christmas.  It's a great time for friends, family, no school, and snowboarding.  That's right.  Friday is the Canyons opening day. Yippppeeeeee.

Only 1 more day of school&2 more days of work. I can do it.  After that, my holidays and break will be spent playing football with family.  Catching up on my awesome book. Sitting by the fire playing games and talking with mom.  I'd like to go get a puppy.  Maybe my mom will actually let me this go around.  I want a chocolate lab and name him Hutch. So cute right? Or maybe I want a rottweiler after all.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree (thanks mom).

Also, this weekend. I will take a glorious walk with my camera and find solitude in the weather.  It sure would be perfect with little Hutch by my side.

Anyways.

In honor of Thanksgiving.. I'm thankful for my mom.  She's the best lady out there.  I know many of you think I'm biased, but it's reality.  She's got a heart of gold.  

Other things I'm thankful for:

First and foremost, my family.

My best friends Daulton and Megan.

My kitty Lenny. I love him, I do.

The roof over my head and the shoes on my feet.

The mere fact that I am attending school.

I'm thankful for the obstacles that have been presented to challenge me at this time.

I'm thankful for My Boys.

ALL of YOU

Riki Laws and the true example that she is to me.

My. Kids.

Sleep. Food. Water. And candy:)

and for new opportunities.

Glasses up. Cheers people.  And Happy Holidays.

This Guy.

If you've ever watched/heard of baseball, you've most definitely heard of the term 'curveball'. In baseball this is the most crucial pitch.. I think.  As a batter, you watch the pitcher wondering when he'll throw it to you.  No matter how much you anticipate it, it still catches you off guard.  Sometimes the Pitcher will throw multiple curveballs in a row, or sometimes it's just the last strike to get the batter out.

As many of you have heard before, life is full of curveballs.  You may get a curveball multiple times in a row, but sometimes it's the ONE that catches you off guard the most, even when you were anticipating it.  My life is full of these random, crazy, curved roads.  I may never know when the 'curve' stops, but I somehow always make it through.  

I can only imagine what it feels like to be a batter striking out in a big game.  Like imagine the Red Sox against the Yankees, tied up.  Three on base with 2 outs and 2 strikes on the line.  This batter HAS to get an RBI or game over dude.  Be it as it's said, it's just a game.  But try telling THAT to the batter anticipating the pitcher's curveball.  I don't think HE think's it's JUST a game.

I'm going to use analogy's for the rest of this post. If you don't follow, consider it a good read. hahaha

Now I've been at the same game of 'baseball' for the past two years now.  My life has been full of the ups and downs, strike outs, RBI's, fly balls, and the one and only, curveball.  I've been so engrossed in this simple game, thinking it's the greatest thing of my life.  I've recently come to the bottom of the last inning, with 2 outs and 2 strikes.  

Strike One:

It was way back when.  I'd first met him and we were instantly friends.  I'd set him up with a couple of my friends, and OUR friendship only grew.  For years we fused our lives together every weekend and every activity/hobby we could.  Countless hours were spent laughing and sharing stories.  I can't even begin to tell you how much was shared.  He's my best friend.

Strike Two:

We were on a slippery slope. We fell down.  Believe me, it was a looooong way down, and we fell HARD.

Looking back on my 'game' I've realized just how much heart and dedication has been put into this.  I've done everything I can... I think.  But to me, it's not worth losing everything to just a game.  I think that I just took my 3rd strike.  

Strike Three:

Realizing that sometimes what you have to say isn't as important as the person you're saying it to.

Baseball is a tricky sport.  On the outside, most don't enjoy it.  But once you get into the heart and passion of the game, you can't help but fall in love.

Letting yourself be hurt by just a game may look silly to the outside world.  But in the moment, you're the only person who truly knows the heart you've put into just a 'simple' game.

I love my game of baseball.

Here's to the Night.

11.11.11

Tonight at 11:11 PM

Make the most EPIC wish ever.

Good luck.

:)

Right From My Heart.

My dad is an amazing guitarist.  Like blowyourfreakingmind good.  A couple years ago, for my birthday, my Mom and Dad purchased a guitar for me.  Ever since, my dad has patiently been teaching me.  I'm not as committed as I wish I would be.  I guess I'm afraid to dive into it.  But I'm not anymore. I love the guitar.  It's an amazing release.  This past weekend my dad helped me learn a couple songs, and I sure did fall in love. 

I seriously want to write a song.  But for me it has to be the perfect song.  I really respect artists whom write their own songs.  Example, John Mayer.  Look up all of his songs.  Holy ish, he did them ALL.  My favorite of his is Edge of Desire. You guys, it's lovely. 

Also, I want to curse out Cady Groves.  She is absolutely phenomenal.  Yet the thing with her, she always steals my lyrics, I swear it.  She speaks from my heart.  Look up her song "Life of a Pirate".. that is MY song.  Also, my new found favorite of hers, "Not Someone I'd Call my Friend".

.e.n.j.o.y.

At first I was really excited, then I wasn't so excited anymore.

Ya know that weird sensation when you KNOW things are about to change? For example. I remember graduating. I remember that slight feeling of dread because I KNEW change was here, and the scariest part of change, for me, is the unknown.  I didn't know what I was doing with my life, I didn't know where I was going, and mostly, I didn't know who I was.  That whole week of graduation, I was in freak out mode.  ANYTHING set me off; I seriously was so scared.  I really needed Peter Pan.

But look.... I graduated.  Even though I thought I wasn't ready for it, I did.  With my BEST friends beside me, we took that first step into the unknown.

I did it. Even though I kept repeating to myself, believing that I wasn't ready to move on, I did. The truth is I LOVED high school, but I would never go back.

Funny sidenote: I STILL don't know where I'm going. I STILL don't know what I want in life. And I STILL don't know exactly who I am.. but I'm okay with that.

Moral of the story: Sometimes being scared is all you have.  You may think that it isn't the right time to 'graduate', but if not now then when? Being a Super Senior is just as lame as not graduating at all.  Running from something that you are afraid of isn't right either. The right thing is taking the step and hoping for the best, even when you're terrified of the outcome. 

Speak the truth. Even when your voice shakes.  The time for change is always right now.

Decisions

I get so amazed with the decisions people make.  I can't believe how 'you decide' where you want to be in life, and sometimes, your decisions hurt others. 

I love winter.  I love that winter is coming for the mere fact of SNOWBOARDING.  How I love to be on the mountains, shredding through the powder.  I murk. ;) Anyways. although I love the season, I hate winter.  I hate how my life is so put off because my brother is home.  It really frustrates me.

Anyways, I'm mad today.  I don't normally share that. But today I wanted to.  Right now, I sure would love to get out of here and do something for me.  I don't want to put myself on hold anymore.  Hmmm... Maybe college somewhere else? Adventures.

Wow.. maybe I should just go run. 

....

Pretty sure the countdown is on. Mom, dolly, and meg... You know. 7 days. Cross your fingers&make a wish!


p.s. there's hope.

.BrideWars.

DAULTON IS GETTING HITCHED!!!

Daulton will be walking down the aisle in NO time!! I'm so happy for her! Not only is this a fairytale because she's in love and all.  But it's even better because she's marrying my brother! For all you girls who say your best friend is like your sister, I win. My best friend IS my sister now. Boo ya.

Daulton is my absolute best friend.  She's my *elbow wrist wrist.  I love this girl. She's the smartest, prettiest, most talented, athletic, sympathetic, HILARIOUS. She beats everyone in my book.  Our lives have been fused together for the last 4 years.  Although she's one grade above me, we are only 2 months apart in age.  Guys.... she's the best.  Now, I could go on forever about how great she is, all the things we've been through together, and how she deserves the best.  But like I said, I could go on FOREVER! So to save you all that reading, just remember this, she's MY best friend.

Goose. Oh Goose! He's my older brother. He's my best friend. He's my hero.  I love him.  Goose has shaped me to be the best version of myself.  He never accepts anything less than that.  And I thank him for all the good work he's put into me. Out of all my siblings, Goose and I are probably the closest.  My family is REALLY close to one another, so that's saying something.  He and I just are so much alike.  We do so much toegether! We snowboard together (and we ROCK). We also love to do tricks on the tramp, play football, soccer, baseball, wiffle ball. We go to the river together, water ski, and hike.  We don't just do fun things together, we have a friendship.  Goose and I will sometimes get caught up and talk for hours.  He really is my hero.

About 2 years ago, I was a senior in high school and Daulton had already graduated.  Daulton and I felt that even though we were 'in two seperate worlds', we could make it through this horrid year of being seperated. Daulton was really close to my family.  She always came to family dinners, trips, and get togethers.  My family just loved her! As a joke, we would tease her that she and Goose were going to get married. (As a kid, us siblings developed a rule that we weren't allowed to date each others friends) It clearly was a joke because Kadell would never look twice at her.  Daulton had told me that both of my brothers are atractive, so I just KNEW that she had a little crush on him.  Well, that fall my dad really kept pushing the 'Daulton&Goose' thing.  Goose called me one night and he said, 'Shelb, I think I'm going to take Daulton on a date if that's okay with you. It'll get dad off my back and end this nonsense. But I need your permission, make sure it's okay with you.'  Of course I said yes! (I always knew they were meant to be together.)

Here we are, 2 years later, and they are in love.  Not just love.. The gross, sappy, makeyouwanttovommit love. Goose popped the big question about a week ago.  He and I went ring shopping, and believe me, I picked the prettiest ring for my bestie.  Next November they'll be hitched. In the meantime, I have a lot to do with her before she becomes Mrs. Deason.

Oh yeah.. She asked me to be her maid of honor.  And boy am I ready to do that! I'll be the most reliable, amazing, awesome, best maidofhonor EVER! :)

Congratulations Dolly, I'm so happy for you.

Sayin' Goodbye!

Tomorrow is my birthday. But maybe you are reading it tomorrow, so I guess I should say... Today is my birthday!!  I'm spending the day with my oh so closest loved ones.  Hopefully the day will be full of surprises, laughs, and amazing memories.  Goodbye teens, hello twenties.

Come on home boy.

Sometimes, I have so many words caught in my throat it's hard to remember the order they come out in. But to me, these words are important.  They have all been mumbled&jumbled, constricted within, holding back the true emotion.  In simple words, I miss my Tanna.

This post is personal, and not intended to give out information or fish for sympathy.  But I guess it is more to relay to all of you whom are sisters.  It's a 6 letter word with 6 billion reasons&emotions standing behind it. S.I.S.T.E.R.

MY sister. My sister was my absolute best friend. How can you have a sister where she ISN'T your best friend.  Tanna's been with me from day 1. We've gone through everything together. Every time I slipped or stumbled, she was there for me.  Together, Tanna&I have climbed trees, raised dogs, found kittens and begged to keep them.  We've played house, dogs, pokemon, battleships, sorry, payday, racecars, airplane, The Soda shop.  We once found a 3 legged kitten and loved it until the day my mom murdered him. We've gone through my parent's divorce together, molestation, the humiliation of our car on fire in the driveway. We helped raise my baby brother. Together we have lost our dear friend Ray, my Grandma Durret, my brother Keith, our dear friends Stephan, Jordan, Clark, Cody and many more.  Tanna was always my foundation of happiness, anger, grief, and stability.

I love this girl. She holds a piece of me that no one can ever touch.  It's a sister thing.  All growing up people have mistaken me for Tanna, and Tanna for me.  We were constantly asked if we were twins, which really surprises me because I don't look a THING like her! I remember my Junior year of High School when my boyfriend and I broke up.  It was a saturday night and I was performing in a Dance Concert.  Tanna called me and told me to hurry and come home before I performed.  So I jumped in my little Jetta and sped like a demon home.  Tanna had made me a candy poster and got me a HUGE stuffed Gorilla.  She knew that I was hurting, so she made sure to convey to me that SHE loved me and that SHE was always there for ME. How nice is that?

As a child, I used to have nightmares.  I was so afraid to go to sleep.  She used to let me climb up on the top bunk with her and she would sing me to sleep while circling my eye with her fingertip.  Sometimes still, when I can't sleep, I find myself circling my own eye, searching for that comfort I would find as a child.  We had these bunkbeds, and one day Tanna told me about dream catchers.  She told me how only the good dreams could get through, and she drew one on the beam of my bunkbed.  It cured my nightmares, and to this day, I have a dream catcher hanging in my room.

On the day when I found out my brother had died, the only person I wanted was Tanna.  I had this childish mentality that, as my older sister, she could fix everything.  Somewhere inside of me I believed that if Tanna said the words "He didn't die", then it wasn't true.  She held me for hours. Listening to me cry, she was so strong and it was all for me.

We did everything together.  She was always there for me.  Anything in my life that I've gone through, Tanna's gone through it too.  She knows me; everything about me.  She knows all the kinks in my system, and she taught me to be strong.  But the occasional times when I needed to cry, she held me.  We've shared our lives together.  All the ups and downs, she's always been my big sister.  And she's the best one out there.


I never knew I had been taking advantage of all the time that we shared.  But I miss you.

This is it.

Friends..I love my friends.  These are my best friends.  They are my favorite people in the whole wide world. :)

I.love.all.of.you.

Word Vomit.

Ay yi yi yi. I'm going to ramble until this all makes sense.  If you would like to see what my rambling concludes... please continue.  If you DON'T want to hear my crazy antics, please proceed to a more fun page, like Aubrey Rentz' or Megan Holden's; theirs always has fun themed pages.

Here it goes: I'm going to word vomit all over the place:)

Writing about yourself is a lot harder than I intended it to be.  Or even that it SHOULD be.  As human beings, most of us have the privelege of vocal chords.  Now we are taught to use them, given the english language(or whatever language it is that you speak).  Throughout my High School years, I was always the one who was recognized for my voice.  People say that I have the loudest&most unique voice.  My dear friend Riki once told me "Shelbs, I can hear your voice EVERYWHERE.  It's not because you're loud playa but because you have a different pitch. Your voice is heard over everyone else's."  Many a times people would come to me after class and tell me which hallway I was in at the precise time I was walking through it.  Or someone would text me as I was walking past their classroom that they could hear me.  In all those times, no one was wrong.  I was always where they said I was because of my stinkin voice! In fact, I was at Victoria's Secret the other day and this girl in the line turned around and asked me if I went to Provo High (I did) she then says "I recognized your voice." Hahahaha oh grrrreat! Okayy people I get it! My voice is loud and obnoxious! ;)

*I'm getting off subject.  I just wanted you, as my audience, to understand the issue of "my voice carries".  Do you understand or should I give you a few more examples of times where somebody knew who I was because I simply opened my large trap?!

The point is, I have a distinct voice.  And believe me I make sure people hear me.  I always talk.  I'm a people person.  I care so much about the well being of others.  I love my friends.  In fact I would do anything for the lot of them.  I don't care who you are or where you came from <--- That's my motto for friendship.  I try to be as 'real' as I really am.  I despise fake.  I speak the truth, even if my voice shakes.  I stand up for the underdog, and I am ready to fight for any of my loved ones.  I fight for my beliefs and I respect yours.  I don't tolerate others speaking poorly of my friends and/or family.  I hate disappointment because I know how it feels.  I want to be the person YOU would call when you need help or just for someone to listen.  I love friendships, and I like to think that I have many TRUE friends. 

I was just having a conversation with my best friend Daulton like 10 minutes ago.  I was venting to her about a few current situations.  Daulton is so smart.  She always says to people that she's bad at advice.. but I get my best advice from this girl.  Daulton knows my heart&it's true intentions, so sometimes when I can't see clearly she knows where I should be.... Anyways, Doll pointed out a few things that I needed to take note:)
Here's what she said: "You get walked on.  You let them walk all over you. Why? You don't let me walk all over you. You don't let Megan.  But when it comes to them it's like you're afraid or something.  They get away with everything. They use you."  Kayy wow... wake up call right?! That statement lead me here to this rambling.  I'll try to conclude it.

I'm always noticed for my voice theoretically&literally.  I'm known for my pitch, but also because I feel so strongly about so many things.  I try to stand up for others and my beliefs.  And people recognize that.  But standing up for myself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.  I can't VOICE to someone that they are hurting me.  And this stupid challenge has really put  me in a rut....

I guess I don't know exactly what I'm saying.  But if you were to take one thing from this sketchfest of a blog, it would be this:
You have a voice and you were meant to speak.  Words can be harsh and cut deep.  You can never unsay anything.. So use your voice for good.  Speak loudly for all to hear when you express your hearts desires.  Quietly encourage others.  Let your laughter echo throughout time.  And speak. Speak for others, beliefs, encouragement, condolences... Through your words, make sure others know that you care.  But in all of that, remember "Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who isYOUer than YOU." -Dr. Suess. Use your voice for You. speak loud, for you are the only one who truly knows what you wish you would say..... Say it.

Do you see what I see?

Last night my mom took me out on my roof and told me to look around.  We have a back patio, and on our porch is a swing.  It is my moms favorite place in the world to be.  She told me that from my roof, we see the exact same things we do from the swing.  It's just a different perspective.  See, she was proving a point to me and she got it across.  Sometimes you see only what you feel&what your eyes allow you to see.  But when you just change your perspective, you see something completely different.  I saw my playhouse.  My mom saw our honeycomb fence.  We were looking at the exact same scenery, it was just what we chose to look at.

This is what I see from the roof.

Here is our swing.

In the end, what I see is important.  But it's also what others see too that matter.  It's understanding the opposite side.  Because you're not wrong when you look in my backyard and see a tramp. We have one! But if you say you see a flowerbed, I have some of those too! Who's to say that you're wrong for what you see/feel? But that doesn't mean that others are wrong too.... Everyone is right.  It's just fitting all those rights together and making it be something great.  

Oh The Places You'll Go.

Yesterday I was on a bike ride with two of my closest friends, Carly&Daulton.  It had been a long day and we were ALL in need of a nice leisurely stroll.  We set out when the sun was going down, casting beautiful colors across the fields and dancing shadows on the street from the swaying trees.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, as great as an evening bike ride in the middle of June with people you love.  We didn't have a destination, just an adventure.

We passed beautiful houses, streams, fields, and groves.  It was an amazing sight that I needed.  I drank every bit of it up.

Carly was riding ahead of us, deep in her own thoughts.  I so badly wanted her to ease up on the speed&enjoy every minute like I was.  But Carly is a soul who sometimes just needs her own time, and when she's ready to talk/see/listen/enjoy, she comes around.  Doll&i kept quiet most of the ride, but I believe it was the perfect sunset&surroundings that lead us to our conversation.  We spoke of ambitions; some I didn't know I even had.  I got to know a little bit more of my true best friend.  The things you learn when you just listen.  I opened my ears&heart and I envisioned her future just as she was imagining it.

Where my generation is in the world today is an awkward place.  We are shaping who we wish to be, as well as building a road that our own children and our children's children will follow.  Like I have said before, the choices we make now define who we become.  Daulton was so sure of where she wanted to be.  She wants to be successful, educated, married, and happy.  She is on the right road.

It made me think of me, and where I am headed.  The future is so clouded, not because we can't see ahead, but because we decide what is in front of us.  My ambitions seemed so big, yet my actions are so feeble.  I want to be like Daulton.  I want to be successful and educated, as well as married and happy! I feel as if I have been at a fork in the road.  And instead of choosing which path I wanted to take, I sat cross-legged looking ahead, thinking of every little thing that could go wrong on each road.  My dear friend inspired me to take a chance.  (Daulton is a believer in LOVE. She believes that everything will work out and to go for it.  She's the girl who JUMPS in the pool, never having touched it first.  I'm the girl who puts her big toe in&after tasting the cold, I decide I don't want to swim after all.)  Listening to her describe her future, I painted mine.

Oh the places we can go if we only believe...

Just say 3 words.

Live Your Life.  The most simple saying, yet the most tangled actions...

 The choices you make define who you are.  Who you date is who you will marry.  The people you surround yourself with is the person you become.  Your life IS influenced by the outside world. 

These sayings are some I'm sure you have heard.  I believe it is all summed up into those 3 words, Live Your Life.  These 'words' mean so much to me that I have them tattooed on my body, to forever remind me to

 live my life. 

Expectations... They are easy to set and hard to fulfill.  I hate letting people down.  In a weird way I guess you could say I'm a brown noser.  From experiencing disappoint myself, I HATE knowing I've disappointed someone I love&care about.  I think that ultimately, disappointment is the worst hurt. I try really hard to be a loyal friend, a loving daughter, a good neighbor, an enthusiastic sister, a beautiful girl, a hardworking woman, and an all around good person.  I set my standards high and I work on things I need to fix.  My mom has always told me that EVERYONE has an inner compass.  It's what directs them in hard times, that pit in your gut when you know something isn't right, and it always directs you home.  Mistakes are a result when one hasn't 'listened' to their inner compass.  I'm pretty intact with my compass, I think.

Choices.. It's when your driving down the road and right when you're about to hit the intersection, the traffic lights turns from green to yellow.  In that 1 second period you CHOOSE to either STOP or GO.  Now whatever consequence comes from that traffic light, that was your DECISION.  That's how life is.  You choose your letter grade in a classroom setting.  You choose to snooze your alarm another 5 minutes every morning.  You choose to put a smile on your face.  You choose the outfit you put on&the message it gives.  Get it? It's all choices YOU make.

I know I'm rambling, but in my head it all ties together.*  Without boring you to death, I'd like to finish this with some sort of sense to it.  I believe that you choose to be where you are.  But sometimes expectations get in the way.  Fear holds you in place, wondering if you'll make the right choice.  Sometimes your so afraid to go after what you want because you're afraid of what somebody else might think or say about you.  But if it's not how you think YOU should be, don't let it hold you back.  Don't let someone else define who you become.  You were given wings to fly on your own.  So spread them&don't look back.  Sometimes the cliff you're standing on is right where you belong&it is YOUR decision to jump.  Don't let someone else dictate these IMPORTANT aspects on shaping who you want to be.  Don't let someone else live your life, after all there is only one YOU.

So I'm going to take my own advice, look at this beautiful tattoo I have, and I am going to Live MY Life.

*It's the wee hours of the morning, I can't sleep, and so I am writing.  I'll reread what I posted tomorrow&chances are, I'll be embarassed by this whole thing.  But hey, cut me some slack okay?

Summer how I miss you.

Mmmk. I'm the type of person that doesn't want to grow up. I know most people say things like that, but I really mean it.  There is a part of me that seriously believes that Peter Pan will show up to my window&whisk me away off to Neverland.  I'm not saying that growing up is bad, because I love it.  It's just the concept that my brain really has a hard time wrapping itself around.  I graduated May 2010.  I've been graduated for a year now, wwwhhaaaaattt? Everyone says after graduation your life really starts, I feel like it's ending.  Not only have I officially been out of high school for a year now, I'm turning 20 this year!!  You can only imagine how disgusted, frustrated, and nervous I am.  Anyways, my summer 2010 was a fairytale.  I had the best friends, family, job, and had the time of my life. 

When summer came to a close, so did my fairytale.  Some friends left for college, some on missions, some friends went East to discover who they are, and I, well I stayed here.  Being that all of my closest friends who left for college, they're home! I should be completely stoked about this.  Being that it's a new year a new summer.. things have changed.  I'm having a really hard time with that.  In fact I want things to be just how they were.  We all realize that's never the case.  I guess the moral of the story is I miss what used to be.  Heartbreaking huh? Yeah well it happens:).  I'm not asking for sympathy, I just want to know what's taking Peter Pan so long?..

Ready, Set, Go.

Well hey, hi, how's it goin? My name is Shelby Deason.  I'm 19 years old and thanks to Taylor&Riki I have officially started my first blog.  As I sit here, I'm so worried about what to write that I feel that I am tripping on my own tongue.  To be honest, I've always been opposed to start a blog. Yet last night, I was at my dear friend Riki's house, and we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning.  All of the girls had started a blog or wanted to start one.  Riki said to me "Shelbs, you should start a blog too."  For a portion of the night Riki was concerned on what she was going to name her blog, I struck her a deal.. If she could come up with a glorious name for my so called blog, I would start one.  Lo&behold, here we are, she came up with my fabulous header that best describes me, 'Bringin' my own sunshine'.  Being that I love Riki so much, I couldn't disappoint. Plus it's her birthday, Happy birthday Riki:). 

TTFN. ta ta for now.