Come on home boy.

Sometimes, I have so many words caught in my throat it's hard to remember the order they come out in. But to me, these words are important.  They have all been mumbled&jumbled, constricted within, holding back the true emotion.  In simple words, I miss my Tanna.

This post is personal, and not intended to give out information or fish for sympathy.  But I guess it is more to relay to all of you whom are sisters.  It's a 6 letter word with 6 billion reasons&emotions standing behind it. S.I.S.T.E.R.

MY sister. My sister was my absolute best friend. How can you have a sister where she ISN'T your best friend.  Tanna's been with me from day 1. We've gone through everything together. Every time I slipped or stumbled, she was there for me.  Together, Tanna&I have climbed trees, raised dogs, found kittens and begged to keep them.  We've played house, dogs, pokemon, battleships, sorry, payday, racecars, airplane, The Soda shop.  We once found a 3 legged kitten and loved it until the day my mom murdered him. We've gone through my parent's divorce together, molestation, the humiliation of our car on fire in the driveway. We helped raise my baby brother. Together we have lost our dear friend Ray, my Grandma Durret, my brother Keith, our dear friends Stephan, Jordan, Clark, Cody and many more.  Tanna was always my foundation of happiness, anger, grief, and stability.

I love this girl. She holds a piece of me that no one can ever touch.  It's a sister thing.  All growing up people have mistaken me for Tanna, and Tanna for me.  We were constantly asked if we were twins, which really surprises me because I don't look a THING like her! I remember my Junior year of High School when my boyfriend and I broke up.  It was a saturday night and I was performing in a Dance Concert.  Tanna called me and told me to hurry and come home before I performed.  So I jumped in my little Jetta and sped like a demon home.  Tanna had made me a candy poster and got me a HUGE stuffed Gorilla.  She knew that I was hurting, so she made sure to convey to me that SHE loved me and that SHE was always there for ME. How nice is that?

As a child, I used to have nightmares.  I was so afraid to go to sleep.  She used to let me climb up on the top bunk with her and she would sing me to sleep while circling my eye with her fingertip.  Sometimes still, when I can't sleep, I find myself circling my own eye, searching for that comfort I would find as a child.  We had these bunkbeds, and one day Tanna told me about dream catchers.  She told me how only the good dreams could get through, and she drew one on the beam of my bunkbed.  It cured my nightmares, and to this day, I have a dream catcher hanging in my room.

On the day when I found out my brother had died, the only person I wanted was Tanna.  I had this childish mentality that, as my older sister, she could fix everything.  Somewhere inside of me I believed that if Tanna said the words "He didn't die", then it wasn't true.  She held me for hours. Listening to me cry, she was so strong and it was all for me.

We did everything together.  She was always there for me.  Anything in my life that I've gone through, Tanna's gone through it too.  She knows me; everything about me.  She knows all the kinks in my system, and she taught me to be strong.  But the occasional times when I needed to cry, she held me.  We've shared our lives together.  All the ups and downs, she's always been my big sister.  And she's the best one out there.


I never knew I had been taking advantage of all the time that we shared.  But I miss you.

This is it.

Friends..I love my friends.  These are my best friends.  They are my favorite people in the whole wide world. :)

I.love.all.of.you.

Word Vomit.

Ay yi yi yi. I'm going to ramble until this all makes sense.  If you would like to see what my rambling concludes... please continue.  If you DON'T want to hear my crazy antics, please proceed to a more fun page, like Aubrey Rentz' or Megan Holden's; theirs always has fun themed pages.

Here it goes: I'm going to word vomit all over the place:)

Writing about yourself is a lot harder than I intended it to be.  Or even that it SHOULD be.  As human beings, most of us have the privelege of vocal chords.  Now we are taught to use them, given the english language(or whatever language it is that you speak).  Throughout my High School years, I was always the one who was recognized for my voice.  People say that I have the loudest&most unique voice.  My dear friend Riki once told me "Shelbs, I can hear your voice EVERYWHERE.  It's not because you're loud playa but because you have a different pitch. Your voice is heard over everyone else's."  Many a times people would come to me after class and tell me which hallway I was in at the precise time I was walking through it.  Or someone would text me as I was walking past their classroom that they could hear me.  In all those times, no one was wrong.  I was always where they said I was because of my stinkin voice! In fact, I was at Victoria's Secret the other day and this girl in the line turned around and asked me if I went to Provo High (I did) she then says "I recognized your voice." Hahahaha oh grrrreat! Okayy people I get it! My voice is loud and obnoxious! ;)

*I'm getting off subject.  I just wanted you, as my audience, to understand the issue of "my voice carries".  Do you understand or should I give you a few more examples of times where somebody knew who I was because I simply opened my large trap?!

The point is, I have a distinct voice.  And believe me I make sure people hear me.  I always talk.  I'm a people person.  I care so much about the well being of others.  I love my friends.  In fact I would do anything for the lot of them.  I don't care who you are or where you came from <--- That's my motto for friendship.  I try to be as 'real' as I really am.  I despise fake.  I speak the truth, even if my voice shakes.  I stand up for the underdog, and I am ready to fight for any of my loved ones.  I fight for my beliefs and I respect yours.  I don't tolerate others speaking poorly of my friends and/or family.  I hate disappointment because I know how it feels.  I want to be the person YOU would call when you need help or just for someone to listen.  I love friendships, and I like to think that I have many TRUE friends. 

I was just having a conversation with my best friend Daulton like 10 minutes ago.  I was venting to her about a few current situations.  Daulton is so smart.  She always says to people that she's bad at advice.. but I get my best advice from this girl.  Daulton knows my heart&it's true intentions, so sometimes when I can't see clearly she knows where I should be.... Anyways, Doll pointed out a few things that I needed to take note:)
Here's what she said: "You get walked on.  You let them walk all over you. Why? You don't let me walk all over you. You don't let Megan.  But when it comes to them it's like you're afraid or something.  They get away with everything. They use you."  Kayy wow... wake up call right?! That statement lead me here to this rambling.  I'll try to conclude it.

I'm always noticed for my voice theoretically&literally.  I'm known for my pitch, but also because I feel so strongly about so many things.  I try to stand up for others and my beliefs.  And people recognize that.  But standing up for myself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.  I can't VOICE to someone that they are hurting me.  And this stupid challenge has really put  me in a rut....

I guess I don't know exactly what I'm saying.  But if you were to take one thing from this sketchfest of a blog, it would be this:
You have a voice and you were meant to speak.  Words can be harsh and cut deep.  You can never unsay anything.. So use your voice for good.  Speak loudly for all to hear when you express your hearts desires.  Quietly encourage others.  Let your laughter echo throughout time.  And speak. Speak for others, beliefs, encouragement, condolences... Through your words, make sure others know that you care.  But in all of that, remember "Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who isYOUer than YOU." -Dr. Suess. Use your voice for You. speak loud, for you are the only one who truly knows what you wish you would say..... Say it.

Do you see what I see?

Last night my mom took me out on my roof and told me to look around.  We have a back patio, and on our porch is a swing.  It is my moms favorite place in the world to be.  She told me that from my roof, we see the exact same things we do from the swing.  It's just a different perspective.  See, she was proving a point to me and she got it across.  Sometimes you see only what you feel&what your eyes allow you to see.  But when you just change your perspective, you see something completely different.  I saw my playhouse.  My mom saw our honeycomb fence.  We were looking at the exact same scenery, it was just what we chose to look at.

This is what I see from the roof.

Here is our swing.

In the end, what I see is important.  But it's also what others see too that matter.  It's understanding the opposite side.  Because you're not wrong when you look in my backyard and see a tramp. We have one! But if you say you see a flowerbed, I have some of those too! Who's to say that you're wrong for what you see/feel? But that doesn't mean that others are wrong too.... Everyone is right.  It's just fitting all those rights together and making it be something great.  

Oh The Places You'll Go.

Yesterday I was on a bike ride with two of my closest friends, Carly&Daulton.  It had been a long day and we were ALL in need of a nice leisurely stroll.  We set out when the sun was going down, casting beautiful colors across the fields and dancing shadows on the street from the swaying trees.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, as great as an evening bike ride in the middle of June with people you love.  We didn't have a destination, just an adventure.

We passed beautiful houses, streams, fields, and groves.  It was an amazing sight that I needed.  I drank every bit of it up.

Carly was riding ahead of us, deep in her own thoughts.  I so badly wanted her to ease up on the speed&enjoy every minute like I was.  But Carly is a soul who sometimes just needs her own time, and when she's ready to talk/see/listen/enjoy, she comes around.  Doll&i kept quiet most of the ride, but I believe it was the perfect sunset&surroundings that lead us to our conversation.  We spoke of ambitions; some I didn't know I even had.  I got to know a little bit more of my true best friend.  The things you learn when you just listen.  I opened my ears&heart and I envisioned her future just as she was imagining it.

Where my generation is in the world today is an awkward place.  We are shaping who we wish to be, as well as building a road that our own children and our children's children will follow.  Like I have said before, the choices we make now define who we become.  Daulton was so sure of where she wanted to be.  She wants to be successful, educated, married, and happy.  She is on the right road.

It made me think of me, and where I am headed.  The future is so clouded, not because we can't see ahead, but because we decide what is in front of us.  My ambitions seemed so big, yet my actions are so feeble.  I want to be like Daulton.  I want to be successful and educated, as well as married and happy! I feel as if I have been at a fork in the road.  And instead of choosing which path I wanted to take, I sat cross-legged looking ahead, thinking of every little thing that could go wrong on each road.  My dear friend inspired me to take a chance.  (Daulton is a believer in LOVE. She believes that everything will work out and to go for it.  She's the girl who JUMPS in the pool, never having touched it first.  I'm the girl who puts her big toe in&after tasting the cold, I decide I don't want to swim after all.)  Listening to her describe her future, I painted mine.

Oh the places we can go if we only believe...

Just say 3 words.

Live Your Life.  The most simple saying, yet the most tangled actions...

 The choices you make define who you are.  Who you date is who you will marry.  The people you surround yourself with is the person you become.  Your life IS influenced by the outside world. 

These sayings are some I'm sure you have heard.  I believe it is all summed up into those 3 words, Live Your Life.  These 'words' mean so much to me that I have them tattooed on my body, to forever remind me to

 live my life. 

Expectations... They are easy to set and hard to fulfill.  I hate letting people down.  In a weird way I guess you could say I'm a brown noser.  From experiencing disappoint myself, I HATE knowing I've disappointed someone I love&care about.  I think that ultimately, disappointment is the worst hurt. I try really hard to be a loyal friend, a loving daughter, a good neighbor, an enthusiastic sister, a beautiful girl, a hardworking woman, and an all around good person.  I set my standards high and I work on things I need to fix.  My mom has always told me that EVERYONE has an inner compass.  It's what directs them in hard times, that pit in your gut when you know something isn't right, and it always directs you home.  Mistakes are a result when one hasn't 'listened' to their inner compass.  I'm pretty intact with my compass, I think.

Choices.. It's when your driving down the road and right when you're about to hit the intersection, the traffic lights turns from green to yellow.  In that 1 second period you CHOOSE to either STOP or GO.  Now whatever consequence comes from that traffic light, that was your DECISION.  That's how life is.  You choose your letter grade in a classroom setting.  You choose to snooze your alarm another 5 minutes every morning.  You choose to put a smile on your face.  You choose the outfit you put on&the message it gives.  Get it? It's all choices YOU make.

I know I'm rambling, but in my head it all ties together.*  Without boring you to death, I'd like to finish this with some sort of sense to it.  I believe that you choose to be where you are.  But sometimes expectations get in the way.  Fear holds you in place, wondering if you'll make the right choice.  Sometimes your so afraid to go after what you want because you're afraid of what somebody else might think or say about you.  But if it's not how you think YOU should be, don't let it hold you back.  Don't let someone else define who you become.  You were given wings to fly on your own.  So spread them&don't look back.  Sometimes the cliff you're standing on is right where you belong&it is YOUR decision to jump.  Don't let someone else dictate these IMPORTANT aspects on shaping who you want to be.  Don't let someone else live your life, after all there is only one YOU.

So I'm going to take my own advice, look at this beautiful tattoo I have, and I am going to Live MY Life.

*It's the wee hours of the morning, I can't sleep, and so I am writing.  I'll reread what I posted tomorrow&chances are, I'll be embarassed by this whole thing.  But hey, cut me some slack okay?

Summer how I miss you.

Mmmk. I'm the type of person that doesn't want to grow up. I know most people say things like that, but I really mean it.  There is a part of me that seriously believes that Peter Pan will show up to my window&whisk me away off to Neverland.  I'm not saying that growing up is bad, because I love it.  It's just the concept that my brain really has a hard time wrapping itself around.  I graduated May 2010.  I've been graduated for a year now, wwwhhaaaaattt? Everyone says after graduation your life really starts, I feel like it's ending.  Not only have I officially been out of high school for a year now, I'm turning 20 this year!!  You can only imagine how disgusted, frustrated, and nervous I am.  Anyways, my summer 2010 was a fairytale.  I had the best friends, family, job, and had the time of my life. 

When summer came to a close, so did my fairytale.  Some friends left for college, some on missions, some friends went East to discover who they are, and I, well I stayed here.  Being that all of my closest friends who left for college, they're home! I should be completely stoked about this.  Being that it's a new year a new summer.. things have changed.  I'm having a really hard time with that.  In fact I want things to be just how they were.  We all realize that's never the case.  I guess the moral of the story is I miss what used to be.  Heartbreaking huh? Yeah well it happens:).  I'm not asking for sympathy, I just want to know what's taking Peter Pan so long?..