Sometimes, I have so many words caught in my throat it's hard to remember the order they come out in. But to me, these words are important. They have all been mumbled&jumbled, constricted within, holding back the true emotion. In simple words, I miss my Tanna.
This post is personal, and not intended to give out information or fish for sympathy. But I guess it is more to relay to all of you whom are sisters. It's a 6 letter word with 6 billion reasons&emotions standing behind it. S.I.S.T.E.R.
MY sister. My sister was my absolute best friend. How can you have a sister where she ISN'T your best friend. Tanna's been with me from day 1. We've gone through everything together. Every time I slipped or stumbled, she was there for me. Together, Tanna&I have climbed trees, raised dogs, found kittens and begged to keep them. We've played house, dogs, pokemon, battleships, sorry, payday, racecars, airplane, The Soda shop. We once found a 3 legged kitten and loved it until the day my mom murdered him. We've gone through my parent's divorce together, molestation, the humiliation of our car on fire in the driveway. We helped raise my baby brother. Together we have lost our dear friend Ray, my Grandma Durret, my brother Keith, our dear friends Stephan, Jordan, Clark, Cody and many more. Tanna was always my foundation of happiness, anger, grief, and stability.
I love this girl. She holds a piece of me that no one can ever touch. It's a sister thing. All growing up people have mistaken me for Tanna, and Tanna for me. We were constantly asked if we were twins, which really surprises me because I don't look a THING like her! I remember my Junior year of High School when my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a saturday night and I was performing in a Dance Concert. Tanna called me and told me to hurry and come home before I performed. So I jumped in my little Jetta and sped like a demon home. Tanna had made me a candy poster and got me a HUGE stuffed Gorilla. She knew that I was hurting, so she made sure to convey to me that SHE loved me and that SHE was always there for ME. How nice is that?
As a child, I used to have nightmares. I was so afraid to go to sleep. She used to let me climb up on the top bunk with her and she would sing me to sleep while circling my eye with her fingertip. Sometimes still, when I can't sleep, I find myself circling my own eye, searching for that comfort I would find as a child. We had these bunkbeds, and one day Tanna told me about dream catchers. She told me how only the good dreams could get through, and she drew one on the beam of my bunkbed. It cured my nightmares, and to this day, I have a dream catcher hanging in my room.
On the day when I found out my brother had died, the only person I wanted was Tanna. I had this childish mentality that, as my older sister, she could fix everything. Somewhere inside of me I believed that if Tanna said the words "He didn't die", then it wasn't true. She held me for hours. Listening to me cry, she was so strong and it was all for me.
We did everything together. She was always there for me. Anything in my life that I've gone through, Tanna's gone through it too. She knows me; everything about me. She knows all the kinks in my system, and she taught me to be strong. But the occasional times when I needed to cry, she held me. We've shared our lives together. All the ups and downs, she's always been my big sister. And she's the best one out there.
I never knew I had been taking advantage of all the time that we shared. But I miss you.
