Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The thing is.

As I grow older, I always feel taken aback by the events in my life.  Always astonished at how quickly time has passed and can't quite grasp how I instantly became an adult and am 22 years old. I like to think of myself as someone who has 'a good head on their shoulders'. I've always had a sense of direction and kept my wits about me.  I haven't strayed too far from my beaten path.  I think it's safe to say I have been the same stubborn, strong willed, driven, compassionate brat since 1991.  Not much has changed about me.  But as each year passes the one thing that I realize that has left me is the belief in the ability to grow up gracefully.

As productive citizens to society, we all generally go through the 'same' milestones.  Elementary school, the dreaded middle school, and the ever so anticipated high school.  Along those lines we earn the little things: Student of the week, we graduate from each grade while our parents proudly tell us "we did it!". You participate in school plays, singing christmas carols for crying parents who are all clutching their video cameras.  We all eventually have our first kiss, our first love, our first heartbreak.  We gain best friends and eventually we all have broken hearts from betrayal.  We finally turn the age to get our permits and before our parents know it, we are begging to take the car out on a friday night with our newly and proudly earned license.  Then suddenly you hit an age where responsibility is exercised all too well.  Chores, jobs, school work, applying for college, graduation.  All along the way we have had advisors, mentors, teachers, friends, family and lovers encouraging us that 'we can do it'. All of those lessons have prepared us for the 'real world'. We've gained a head full of knowledge and we've finally managed to stand on our own two feet.  Everybody tells you that you can go places and that you can be whoever you want to be.  

The thing is.  When you're growing up, adults don't tell you everything.  They tell you the things they think you should hear, and they leave out all of the heartbreaking details.  They tell you that you are strong enough to overcome anything, but they don't tell you that the world is sometimes stronger than your own will, and sometimes you break.  They don't tell you how bad bullying can hurt.  And sometimes you put too much trust in individuals who don't deserve it.  That not everyone you meet wants you too succeed.  That heartbreak can make it hard to breathe, and betrayal will make you question all that you've ever stood for.  They don't tell you how sadness or anger can consume you. They don't make sure you understand that not everyone makes it.  I wasn't ready for the hurt when my friends committed suicide. Or when your brother dies.  They don't tell you that your mom will have a disease. They don't tell you that your friend will get in a car accident, stripping him from all that he was, taking away everything you ever loved about him.  They don't tell you that people you love will struggle and there is nothing you can do about it.  That your self esteem will eventually be stripped from the cruelties of the world.  They don't prepare you for these things.  They tell you all of the details of the ways they want you to feel. Happiness, love, success, and a place of belonging.  But truthfully, I don't think I was prepared for all of the times I would feel alone.