She's at it again.

I hate that feeling in the pit of your gut, when you know you've changed; not by choice, but because that's what you have to do to be strong.  People come into your life to shape you into the person you were meant to be.  It's up to you to be wise enough to choose which ones are lessons and which ones are yours to keep.    Unfortunately I'm blinded by people.  I choose to see the best in people, despite the background or the outcome.  I'm a fighter&i am an aggressor.  If you know me, you'll understand this to a tee.  At times I view this as a quality or a strength, but at times I think it's my greatest weakness. 

When I was a child, I was a girl. And I mean a ggiiiiirrrrrlll.  I'd cry at the sight of blood.  I was constantly tattling on my siblings.  I was the sweetest little cutie, with an angel face to boot.  I don't know what changed in me, but something was broken.  I used to cry myself to sleep, cry in movies, cry when I was sad, cry cry cry.  It was OKAY to cry.

I don't do that anymore, cry, ya know? I can't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep, or actually allowed myself to cry.  Not just teary eyed, but the crying from the inside out, painful tears. There is something therapeutic about it all.  Releasing all the toxins in your body and soul, escaping the clutches of your own sorrow... I can't do it.  I wish I could.  I'm probably the most awkward human being when the tears flow.  I'd rather somebody scream and threaten me with my own life than watch somebody cry.  It's okay to me that you might cry on your own, I think it's good.  But I have a hard time being around it, and I don't think it's acceptable for me to do so.  I think when people cry, they're most vulnerable.  There is a childlike image that arises, and I believe tears are seeking comfort.  I hate crying, I hate being vulnerable, and I hate comfort (unless it's from my mommy). I absolutely LOVE when people open up to me.  I love when I can be the one graced with their stories.  But for me, I hate telling people my story.  I hate going through the ick of my life and placing it upon someone else's shoulders (as if their own problems aren't enough).  And anyways, when going through my ick, it can bring those stupid symptoms of tears and a runny nose.  Who wants that?!

Disappointment cuts deeper than a knife.  For me, it's the worst emotion to feel.  No matter the cause, I'm normally mad at myself for allowing me to be disappointed.  As if believing in someone is taboo.  Disappointment is my ultimate hurt.  As the saying goes, sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.  

My mom always said, treat people the way you wish to be treated.  We all strive at this and it is a challenge everyday. But really, treat people with kindness.  Use your words for good.  Your actions will forever echo amongst those whose lives you have entered.  Do not judge others, the mere fact of passing judgement makes you the lesser, no matter the situation.  Don't whisper. If you have something to say, say it.  And make sure it's to the person you are speaking of.  I think we all know the pain of stinging words and actions, it's not fun.  Many of us get caught up within ourselves that we forget others.  Don't forget there is someone always watching and when we become reckless to that, our actions hurt others.  

I love this song, holding out for a hero by Ella Mae Bowen.  It just takes the words from my heart.  I want a streetwise Hercules to sweep me off my feet.  Enjoy.